#excerpts from a notes app diary

[bigmouthstrikesonceagain]

so i’ll write poetry about you i’ll never share.

[saintescuderia]

the full catalogue.

ecrit par mdg.

literary-fiction

non-fiction

fan-fiction

below the cut are all my works catalogued according to the above sections. quotes are also mine.

‘it’s literary because i say so / it’s original because you did so.’

poems

still i write them. still i bring them into existence. how do i begin to explain 16.3 dearest as i am now, with you

excerpts from my diary (ft. my notes app)

march 1 march 12 notes app excerpt #053 an ode to my fallen comrade, my laptop may3rd. getting yourself out of a rut

chaptered works

pieces./ -- part one | part two | part three | part four | part five

‘a writer disconnected from the world / may only find themselves / by writing into it.’

F1 pieces

[🏎️] the cult side of f1 [🏎️] the growing cracks of formula one [🏎️] why daniel ricciardo really, really needs to well in australia [🏎️] thoughts had while marshalling a grand prix

film/music

after life / ricky gervais (2019)

personal essays

on mixtapes the artist's (read: writer's) way [series] - coming soon! an open letter in defence of creative pursuit an open letter in celebration of creative pursuit some thoughts on kendrick lamar's recent disses

‘fanfiction is the self-indulgent reclaimation of art.’

one-shots

[🏎️] antinal | cs55 [🏎️] stomaching you | mv33

multi-chaptered fics

[🏎️] pancakes / cs55, op81, cl16, mv33, dr3 [jjk] cross my heart / ryomen sukuna

[moraglewis]

Further to my last post, I am very happy to say that volume 1 is now free to download - you can get it in pdf and ebook form, or from Amazon, or from a variety of other ebook stores. This goes along with the release of volume 4, so if you are that way inclined you can have the whole set on your ereader of choice. If you are wondering what the point of getting the ebook is, given that the entire comic is free to read on this very site (and plenty of others), there are extra bonuses. First, the art has been touched up and in one or two places the comic itself has been edited to read a bit more smoothly. Second, and more importantly, there are excerpts from the Great Library, featuring Inric's notes and additions to texts and, later on, writing from other characters - including a recipe for chuckets in volume 3 and a diary entry by Vincathaxis in volume 4. The panels shown here are from the excerpts from volume 1 - again, that's free, so you can check it out whenever you like. (Just to note, Amazon sometimes revert free books, but if you have a Kindle or the Kindle app, you can still download the ebook and send it to your Kindle - see here for instructions). Happy reading!

[sweet-milky-tea705]

Going through my notes app rambling is wild. And then i went through my diary blog and like. Damn im edgy. Some of it is a bit poetic though. Heres a little excerpt from a long one about yearning: 'The comfort i need coming to me like fleeting dreamt up memories, like translucent ghosts in my mind. '

I might find a way to convert that ramble into an actual poem because its very long and has some promise but poetry is so embarrassing to me ,, but only if i make myself feel embarrassed so i just wont

[coconutsplit]

Artistic visual literary journaling is a powerful way to document your creative process, thoughts, and inspirations in a multidimensional format. Here are some tips to help you get started and make the most of your journaling practice:

1. Choose Your Medium

Physical Journal: Use a high-quality notebook or sketchbook with thick pages to accommodate various media.

Digital Journal: Consider using apps like Procreate, Adobe Fresco, or GoodNotes for a digital approach.

2. Gather Supplies

Writing Tools: Pens, pencils, markers, and highlighters.

Art Supplies: Watercolors, acrylics, colored pencils, pastels, and charcoal.

Collage Materials: Magazines, newspapers, printed photos, stickers, and washi tape.

Digital Tools: Stylus, tablet, digital brushes, and image-editing software.

3. Create a Comfortable Space

Workspace: Set up a dedicated space for journaling with good lighting and minimal distractions.

Organization: Keep your supplies organized and within easy reach to facilitate spontaneous creativity.

4. Incorporate Different Elements

Writing: Include diary entries, poetry, quotes, and song lyrics. Write about your day, dreams, goals, and creative ideas.

Drawing and Painting: Add sketches, doodles, abstract art, and detailed illustrations. Experiment with different styles and techniques.

Collage: Incorporate mixed media by adding photos, magazine clippings, fabric scraps, and other materials.

Photography: Print and paste your photos or use Polaroids to document moments and inspirations.

5. Develop a Routine

Regular Practice: Set aside regular time for journaling, whether daily, weekly, or whenever inspiration strikes.

Prompt Yourself: Use prompts to kickstart your creativity. For example, "Describe a dream you had," "Sketch your surroundings," or "Collage a mood board for your next project."

6. Embrace Imperfection

Let Go of Perfection: Allow yourself to make mistakes and create imperfect pages. The journal is a space for exploration and growth.

Experiment: Try new techniques and materials without worrying about the outcome. This can lead to unexpected discoveries and breakthroughs.

7. Reflect and Review

Revisit Pages: Regularly go back and review your journal. Reflect on your growth, recurring themes, and any new insights.

Annotate: Add notes and thoughts to previous entries. This can provide a deeper understanding of your creative process and personal evolution.

8. Find Inspiration

Art Books and Exhibitions: Visit galleries, museums, and art libraries to find inspiration.

Nature and Travel: Draw inspiration from your environment, whether it's a walk in the park or a trip to a new city.

Online Communities: Join online groups and forums where people share their journaling practices and creations.

9. Themes and Projects

Thematic Journals: Create journals dedicated to specific themes, like travel, dreams, personal growth, or creative projects.

Ongoing Projects: Document long-term projects from inception to completion, including brainstorming, planning, and progress updates.

10. Personal Touches

Handwriting: Use your own handwriting to give your journal a personal touch.

Quotes and Lyrics: Include your favorite quotes, song lyrics, and book excerpts that resonate with you.

Daily Snapshots: Capture moments from your day with quick sketches or photographs.

Examples of Techniques

Layering: Combine different media on one page, like watercolor background with ink drawings and collaged elements.

Mind Maps: Use mind maps to brainstorm and connect ideas visually.

Mood Boards: Create mood boards for projects or to capture the essence of a particular feeling or theme.

Timelines: Document events or project timelines with illustrations and notes.

Resources and Tools

Books: "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron, "Wreck This Journal" by Keri Smith, "Creative Journal Writing" by Stephanie Dowrick.

Online Tutorials: YouTube, Skillshare, and CreativeLive offer tutorials on various journaling techniques.

Apps: Procreate, Notability, GoodNotes, Adobe Fresco.

By integrating these tips into your journaling practice, you can create a rich, multidimensional record of your creative journey that blends visual art, writing, and personal reflection.

[barkercast]

424 : Boom Hellraiser P1 and News

Thanks for listening to the Clive Barker podcast.  The only podcast dedicated to the imagination of Clive Barker. Coming up next on episode 424, Jose and Ryan take a deep dive into the Boom Studios Hellraiser comics, starting with issues 1 through 4. Plus we go over some Hellraiser and Clive Barker convention news. 

Sponsor : Don Bertram’s Celebrate Imagination 

This episode is sponsored by Don Bertram’s Celebrate Imagination. Don Bertram is a long-time friend of Clive, and advocate of his art, but Don’s unique and inspiring paintings are for sale, and over 50% of the proceeds go to the arts in medicine program at the Texas Children’s Cancer Center.  Click the side-banner and follow the link to the etsy shop Where the artwork has returned from the local galleries!    New stuff in there.  I just got my second one, “Snail Bait”. 

News From The Reef

New Pete Atkins Story in Darness Beckons Anthology

Hellraiser Quartet of Torment Trailer

The Torturer by Little Spark Films will be streaming on Troma Now 10/1

Clive Barker wll; be at Days of the Dead Chicago

Discussion: Boom Studios Hellraiser

Issue 1 – March 2011, W: Clive Barker & Christopher Monfette, A: Leonardo Manco

Pursuit of the Flesh Part 1

Excerpt From Hellraiser Epic advertising Hellraiser Masterpieces: Razing Hell Part One Stolen Time

Issue 2 – April 2011, W: Clive Barker & Christopher Monfette, A: Leonardo Manco

Pursuit of the Flesh Part 2

Issue 3 – May 2011, W: Clive Barker & Christopher Monfette, A: Stephen Thompson

Pursuit of the Flesh Part 3

Issue 4 – June 2011, W: Clive Barker & Christopher Monfette, A: Stephen Thompson

Pursuit of the Flesh Part 4

Show Notes

Jite The Clockwork Cenobite

CliveBarker.Info

Facebook

Coming Next

A-Z Commentaries: Diary of the Dead

Jericho Squad 77 Part 21

More Classic Commentaries

More Boom Hellraiser comics discussion with news

And this podcast, having no beginning will have no end. 

web www.clivebarkercast.com

iOS App| Android App, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Android, Stitcher, Spotify, Pandora, Libsyn, Tunein, iHeart Radio, Pocket Casts, Google Play, Radio.com, DoubleTwist and YouTube and Join the Occupy Midian group

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Twitter: @BarkerCast| @OccupyMidian 

Support the show, Buy a T-Shirt

Opening Music is by Ray Norrish

End Credits Music by Matt Furniss

New episode of the Clive Barker Podcast

[multiple-authors]

31 August 2023

Last day of summer. Yesterday felt like the first day of Autumn. I started new job with artist yesterday. Working more than full-time between that job and restaurant job over next month. Leaning into what I'm grateful for despite chaos.

Notes from trip last Friday evening on my own: - Delete Instagram app from phone, download and log in when I am posting something or online intentionally. Reply to messages intentionally. Don't always be looking at the work of others. Can still post regularly. -Simplify as much as possible when learning anatomy, when using quick hand for imagination. -Lean into character writing (camera/writing/nose-eyes motif). Show own subjectivity int he work. Narrative scenes, we are playing characters, mirroring each other, small scenes/episodes à la Ida Lissner. Action man/something similar. -Reduce outside media consumption, if the self today equates to what we consume -Stop reducing myself and do the work -Superiority complex -> my suffering is greater than yours -Create soundscapes, thunderstorms -Choreograph in the mind's eye like a child imaging dance routines -I can simulate whatever I want in my mind's eye -I seem to be explaining myself to others at all times only so they feel more at ease; more focussed on reducing my own negative emotions than my own, if I don't reply for example. -Everything happened in a second -Everything is a retelling of the same thing -Enter the non-seeing world, seeing world is only one lens of everything, go to other realities and bring back the answers I find - theme park and animal crossing -silly little scene then raindrop drips off -tampered memory

Summarised -Reduce over consumption: delete Instagram from phone, download and log in when posting or intentionally replying to messages. Don't always need to be looking at the work of others, can still post regularly. The self today equates to what we consume -Stop reducing myself and do the work. The blame game doesn't work. Superiority complex -> my suffering is greater than yours (death drive; e-flux) ----- This doesn't work. -Visual work categorised into three projects: small soaking wet scenes/episodes painted in oils (like Ida Lissner in episode/scene quality), small narrative scenes in ink/coloured pencil (playing characters, like ST, Goya caprichos/small wet paintings, JBB), larger oil paintings incorporating both elements. Work should have dramatic lighting, multiple light sources, theatre sets, game simulation. -Write one essay about soaking wet before end of 2023. Read artist manifestos, artist memoir, blogs and diaries, read critical theory. Pop cultural excerpts -Write stream of consciousness about characters for fictional piece. Diary entry, letters, from the perspective of multiple characters (can be more-than-human). Motive: Empathy; breakdown of singular, concrete power structure; chaos; mutability of character; manifestation, reality creation, visualisation; mirroring, doppelgänger, reflections, horizons, portals; time, history, memory. -Soundscapes project. Start making small tracks easy. -I can simulate anything. I can simulate anything I want in my mind's eye. Enter the non-seeing world, seeing world is only one lens of everything, go to other realities and bring back the answers I find

Is this excessive note-taking, documentation, summarisation... an exercise with the intention to control?

[lovedumbandbroke]

"there's a special kind of heartbreak when you lose words you've already said. when you leave a piece of your heart in your work, but then your work gets left on the side of the road. the abandonment, the pain. oh how it hurts to sob to yourself, to write to yourself, to do everything for yourself. I used to write in my notes app, as the memes go, but then one day I lost my phone and all the words in it. and i think i lost apart of me forever. for all our jokes, there's no time we're more honest than when its just us and ourselves. I've heard my ugliest laugh, and my loudest cry. the cringiest moments that haunt me are the ones i've spent with others. if loneliness has taught me anything its that kindness towards myself is a right that i deserve. its a right that i demand when i find myself being cruel to the girl in the mirror. she has so many flaws, but she is so human. she is one big open wound, and i have felt it throb for as long as i can remember her smile"

Excerpt from "A Diary I'll Never Find Again"

[artbookdap]

It's that time of year! So thanks to @thestrategist editor @kit.guo for recommending our favorite planner for 2023 as well — 'The Redstone Diary 2023: In Search of Beauty,' published by @redstonepressbooks⁠ ⁠ "For more than 30 years now, editor Julian Rothenstein has curated his beloved Redstone Diaries with a delightful assortment of artwork, photographs, quotes, and other cultural sundries, all centered around a certain theme — they’re like a planner and a monograph rolled into one. For 2023, the theme is beauty, featuring excerpts from luminaries such as John Baldessari, W.E.B. Du Bois, and Louise Bourgeois. As someone who grows paralyzed when faced with a procession of blank pages, I’m not really a big notebook person (most of my stray thoughts are scattered in bits and pieces across the Notes app). But opening a journal where half the pages are already filled with something lovely, creative, and valuable takes all the pressure off and may even inspire some beautiful musings of my own."⁠ ⁠ Read more about the 2023 Redstone Diary via linkinbio!⁠ See a few details from the book here!⁠ ⁠ #redstonediary #insearchofbeauty #strategistgift #strategistplanner #bestplanner2023⁠ ⁠ https://www.instagram.com/p/CmPC_sROFg_/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[steadydelusionrunaway]

the thing about being mentally ill is you can never predict when you snap out of the positive environment you have created and be flung into the familiar void of overthinking and helplessness.days get longer and nights get shorter because nights you have control over,days you don't.you tend to live in the future with worst possible scenarios and it gets impossible to reel yourself back to present. you are stuck in an endless loop of exhilaration and devastation, you start to question if you've gone back to square 1. the hardest part is actually not solving the problem but to convince yourself you can solve it.

[canolaaoil]

Chrysalis

1. @lesbiankermit // 2. acceptance via @heartvibes // 3. @twofigs // 4.  @hillergoodspeed  // 5. To A Young Poet,  Mahmoud Darwish // 6. via lizzobeeating // 7. Prayer, Ghost Quartet // 8. ‘Blossoming’ // 9. @booksandothersecrets​ // 11. jonmichaelfrank // 12. @holybeings  

Description follows

1. [Image Description: tumblr post by @lesbiankermit which reads “stop trying to find yourself and start creating yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!” end ID]

2. [Image Description: illustration of a simplistic human, arms and legs spread, eyes closed, surrounded by colorful outlines of themself. end ID]

3. [Image Description: tumblr post by @twofigs which reads “sitting on the bus on a foggy morning and only thinking - is this, finally, my life? do i hold it with both hands? do i try to live?” end ID]

4. [Image Description: illustration of a person on a grass green background, staring upwards. caption reads “I can change / I can be something else / I can be different / I can be new” end ID]

5. [Image Description: excerpt from poem reading “Don’t ask anyone: Who am I? / You know who your mother is. / As for your father, be your own.” end ID]

6. [Image Description: photo of a poster that reads “good news: you’ll get over it just like you got over that other thing” end ID]

7. [Image Description: genius.com lyrics that read “(During this song, the lights slowly fade up.) 

[ALL]

I WILL TRY TO FORGIVE MYSELF / FOR LIVING IN THE DARK / FOR MY LOSS OF WONDER / FOR FORGETTING HOW TO PLAY

I WILL TRY TO FORGIVE MYSELF / FOR BEING ABSENT IN PUBLIC / AND BORED BEFORE STARS

FOR NOT REMEMBERING / FOR NOT BEING IN MY BODY / FOR NOT STARTING RIGHT NOW

I WILL TRY / TO SEE MYSELF AS I AM.” end ID]

8. [Image Description: illustration of two basic human figures, both covered in flowers. The one on the right has more flowers than the other. The one on the left says “You‘ve changed.” The one on the right replies “I’d hope so.” end ID]

9. [Image Description: tumblr post by @booksandothersecrets which reads “Shout out to all the notes-app poems, love letters, secrets, diary entries, bucket lists and lyrics that were hurredly typed into people’s phones at 3am and then hidden from the world and forgotten. Maybe one day you’ll open the app and laugh at how pretentious you were, or maybe you’ll smile at that part of yourself that noone else saw” end ID]

10. [Image Description: illustration in a simplistic style of a person with long hair laying a rose on a grave. Text around the illustration reads “AND I WANT A LIFE WHERE THE CONSTANT BIRTH OF WHO I AM IS MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAN / THE COMFORT OF THE GRAVE OF WHAT I WON‘T LET GO OF!!!” end ID]

11. [Image Description: tumblr post by @holybeings that reads “I keep becoming me over and over and over again” end ID]

[bigmouthstrikesonceagain]

i wanted to kiss you that day. soft and warm and rolling in comfort. eyes bright and delicate as the dappled sunlight beneath the canopy. i put my head in your lap and looked up at you, haloed and gentle, kind and subdued as the setting sun. darling, i thought, let me love you.

[de-cryptid]

Behind the curtain.

I’ll cut to the chase and simply state outright who I believe, and am almost certain, is behind the social media presence of Simon Alkenmayer.

Kristina Meister.

Kristina deleted her blog yesterday as of posting so I can’t link directly to it for the posts I am going to discuss and showcase here. I will be providing links that preserve their existence, however, so you don’t have to take me at my word alone.

For context: In Simon's world (which is how I will refer to the unreality that is his existence and supposed life), Kristina was his editor for The Creature's Cookbook and also the foot-in-the-door that is the publishing industry. She pitched the autobiography on his behalf, bringing it to Tapas media.

They maintained a friendship, both outside of the internet and here on tumblr. However, one day a fire was set in Kristina's driveway, leading her to what can reasonably be described as hysteria.

Here is an archived link to her reaction.

TL;dr is that she believes @simonalkenmayerisdead to be the only person in the world who could have possibly made a connection between her and Simon (despite the fact they actively engaged with each other on multiple social medias, that and there are far more people on tumblr that know of Simon than his critics) and threatened a multitude of legal action.

Here, The Fool explains the issue with the accusations levied against him and his followers.

Reading the exchanges between Simon, The Fool, and Kristina is what made it clear to me that Simon is Kristina. A lot of those posts are long gone due to Kristina's blog deletion, and are otherwise far too tedious to hunt down on Simon's blog, but they are quite similar to that which is linked above.

You can probably tell there's a level of irrationality (an understatement honestly) in Kristina's posts regarding the fire and her general demeanour.

As she and Simon have each other's personal contact information, which she herself showed a screenshot of, I think it's strange for Simon to respond publicly in the way he did. She's clearly not in a good mental state to be online, discussing a traumatic event, throwing accusations, cussing at and threatening her dissenters.

He's a long-lived observer of humans, in his world, and instead of recognizing this to be the behaviour of someone who isn't in the right frame of mind to be speaking about their circumstances to a substantial audience of presumably a few ill-intentioned people, he endorses everything she says and encourages her to continue on her rants.

Is it not obvious that this isn't accomplishing anything but potentially harming her more? She's shown the suspect that their tactic succeeded. She revealed her vulnerabilities in regards to her child and marriage. Simon, as a friend and the supposed cause for all this, should know better than to further feed into the anonymous attacks on his associate and instead handle it on a personal level.

But that isn't what happened.

The only way for someone to respond in the manner Simon did is for them to be as equally emotionally involved and irrational as Kristina herself is, which is clear from the notes where Simon's loyal audience reacts in a similarly distressed and irrational voice.

That's human behaviour, not that of a people-eating centuries-old non-mammalian monster who has watched famine ravage civilizations, killed countless individuals, and adapted despite it all.

But moving on, as I'm sure that in and of itself isn't enough for some people.

Let's turn our attention to The Creatures Cookbook itself. It's framed as a diary, meaning it was written in real-time and built upon over years, not as an autobiography. This is suspect for reasons I'll discuss further on.

I'd like to begin with the book's publishing history. It was first in print thanks to Fuse Literary, as can be seen in this post from their website, then moved onto the Tapas app (where it remains to this day).

Simon himself says that his book is "out of print", which is why it's not available as a physical copy outside of second-hand nowadays. This is not exactly true; fuse literary dropped the book. He isn't being represented by them anymore. Tapas, which is more of a pulp app where anyone can publish most anything, is not just the new medium he selected dutifully to act out the experiment more effectively; it was a last resort for a book people simply weren't interested in.

The Fool explains this quite well here.

I'd also like to reiterate something touched upon in that linked post; Simon lied about meeting his publisher, either in 2014 in that incredibly descriptive post about his agent and their experience with Tapas, or to that anonymous asker. Why is this? If the original post was incorrect, or no longer what Simon wanted readers to believe, wouldn't it make more sense to delete it? That or he, likely, forgot what was originally said about his publisher and simply made up a response for the asker. His memory spans centuries, and clearly that experience was a vivid one, given his description, but he couldn't keep consistent on his public social media. I find this suspect for many reasons.

Going back to Fuse Literary, we have articles that directly state Kristina is "writing as" Simon, which he has stated in the past was out of necessity to preserve his identity (which is somewhat contradictory, seeing as he claims that the government is aware of his species and him specifically, and also his aim is to convince people he does in fact exist).

Needless to say, a lot of little things just don't add up. Instead, they point to Kristina using Simon's character and presence as an outlet of sorts. He is an identity she assumes.

Here is another clue I stumbled upon, regarding Kristina's other writing endeavours.

Let's talk Cinderella Boy.

So Kristina is both a freelance editor (as Simon states she was for him) and a writer herself, with several published books. Easily her highest reviewed and most popular is called Cinderella Boy, a story about LGBTQ struggles from the perspective of a high school boy. I went through the reviews a while back and a lot were positive! But I noticed that many of those positive reviews were people who knew Kristina through Simon and already liked his character, his voice, his style.

And Cinderella Boy is very much the same.

I linked the Goodreads page above and recommend you go through reviews yourself to better understand what I mean, but below I will show one of the negative reviews that is... Very telling. (Click and swipe through, it's a long one)

And this wasn't the only person saying these sorts of things, either. Again, I recommend seeing for yourself. Here's another excerpt from a different review:

I want to focus in on the "70 year old philosophers" bit. The other review above said something similar about the overly deep and philosophical dialogue.

Sound familiar?

It appears Kristina's writing style happens to be that old-timey philosophically-bent verbose kind, highly reminiscent of Simon himself.

I found this rather funny. You'd think writing a modern YA would have a skilled writer attempting to make the character interactions more relatable and... Well, realistic.

It appears Kristina only has the one setting, however. And that happens to sound exactly the way Simon talks.

I will be going in-depth with the factual errors in Simon's historical assertions in the future, so I'll hold off on those for now, but a previous post of mine shows a clear miscalculation on the part of Simon's creator googling something and applying it to Simon's world, without realizing it was factually incorrect. You can see that here.

To conclude this very long post, I want to make it clear that I do not hate Kristina nor Simon, I am not posting this to harass either of them. I am only interested in making it clear that Simon is not an all-knowing cryptid and is not a reliable voice. Simon is a human creation and his readers should be aware of that. Seek real, professional help if you are looking for some advice. Do not think that an elaborate roleplay is an appropriate substitute.

[asm297]

99 Truths, 1 Lie. (My Junior Year)

Before ya go through this and guess the lie, I gotta say that there’s some stuff in here that might make you uncomfortable. Here’s ya warning. Anyway, here we go:

1. Junior year of college was the most tumultuous

2. For every incredibly wonderful day, I felt like I had 2x as many days feeling depressed and alone.

3. But I gotta say, living in a house with some of my coolest friends was super fun.

4. I just hoped that I didn’t “die” at some of the parties, y’know?

5. I’m still learning my “tolerance” lol

6. I don’t like those sugar-y alcohols.

7. They’re tolerable, but they always make me sick.

8. Speaking of which, there’s some things you probably wouldn’t even believe.

9. Almost like that’s the point of this whole “99 Truths, 1 Lie” game, huh?

10. There was a time where I got addicted to nicotine

11. I brought my vape wherever I’d go, cause I liked that buzz it gave me

12. I also used Tinder/Bumble much more often this year

13. I never thought I’d use it considering how much I don’t like dating apps (see “The Incident”)

14. But I gave it a try because of how desperate I was to have company

15. It sorta worked? Depending on how you’d define “worked”.

16. I met a few people off of it. It was awkward every time.

17. The first person I met didn’t even live around UIUC

18. They also assumed we were an official couple after meeting up once.

19. That ended fairly messy.

20. I did end up getting in a short relationship with someone from Tinder.

21. Again, she lived nowhere near UIUC.

22. Our first meetup ever was in a dark forest, at midnight, during the Winter.

23. Some people have told me that was a terrible idea.

24. I have to agree, but what’s the worst that could happen?

25. The possibility of disappearing without a trace? Yeah. Probably.

26. Erm, okay, the following is gonna sound like a total humblebrag, but hear me out:

27. Usually, people would love getting a lot of matches on these dating apps

28. Lately, I’ve been feeling very stressed talking to too many people at once.

29. As I said, humblebrag

29. Xander Mobus is the voice of the announcer in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate

30. But here’s the thing: I don’t consider myself to be an introvert

31. Yet, I’m not a complete extrovert either.

32. At the moment, I’m thinking of two people who I’m totally extroverted with

33. Every time I’d hang with them, I crack jokes and can always do comedic “bits” that they can easily play off of.

34. At the same time, I feel like a literal “fool”

35. There was a time in high school where my friends considered me to be the “super sarcastic” type

36. Secretly, I hated it because that makes me sound like an buttface.

37. Makes me think I’m this one dude you could never have a serious conversation with.

38. I’ll always be a joke to everyone.

39. I changed that once I got to college.

40. Instead of being overly sarcastic, I tried being more extroverted and lively

41. It worked for a bit, especially in my sophomore year here

42. And now... I don’t even know what I am anymore

43. Referring to #32, I now get the feeling that I’m super annoying to both of them now.

44. I get this feeling that they no longer enjoy hanging out with me

45. I’m always concerned with how people see me

46. Strangers, close friends, family. I hope they have a good image of me in their minds.

47. Yet, I can only convince myself that I’ve got no friends anymore

48. Of course, ^that’s not true. I do have people that care about me.

49. But seeing a psychologist multiple times in the last year made the following statement true:

50. I’m in a bad headspace, and my mind is crumbling

51. I saw a social worker over summer 2018

52. It helped, but as soon as I got back for junior year, I was falling apart

53. At one point first semester, I did something that I highly warn all of you to definitely not make the same mistake I did

54. I went for a walk by myself

55. at night

56. with my headphones in

57. I ended up getting followed on my way back home by some random person

58. and I didn’t even notice until much after he started following me

59. That incident really fucked me up for some time

60. But that’s not the mistake I’m talking about

61. The real mistake is walking alone, in the dark, with headphones on for a second time

62. The reason why I did that was because I did something I never saw myself doing ever

63. I hurt myself

64. Right after it happened, I fled my house

65. I was disappointed in myself

66. I was mad at myself

67. I was at my lowest point

68. I walked with no destination in mind

69. Luckily, a very nice friend helped me out, talked with me, comforted me, and I’m forever grateful they were there for me.

70. That’s what lead me to see a psychologist while I was here.

71. That’s all I’ll say on that topic

72. Here’s something completely different: I’ve “intoxicated myself herbally” multiple times

73. A lot of times, at this point. To the point where I can’t even recall how many times I’ve done it.

74. In fact, a roommate said “when is he not high?”

75. It was a bit chilling to hear

76. I’ve also “earned” the title of “smoker of the house” by my roommates

77. On the other hand, I keep notes every time I get “herbally intoxicated”

78. I think most people think it’s weird

79. But I like to use it as a sort of... diary? or journal?

80. I think it’s funny, and memorable. At least most of the time.

81. I also sometimes write letters to people while I’m “herbally intoxicated”

82. Most of the time, it’s so that I can tell them how cool they are and how happy I am that I met them. Sound familiar? You should ask me if I have any letters for you.

83. Anyway, the following statement is a short excerpt from 4/20:

84. “Took a shower, bought I was in there longer. Shower was only 10 minutes. The future was going in slow motion. Like a light bulb memory. Maybe a flash bulb? Listened to Angel Olsen. Felt like I was flying. Time was slow. It felt nice.”

85. If I didn’t believe in parallel universes before, I definitely do now.

86. However, I definitely need to start limiting how often I “herbally intoxicate” myself.

87. Especially considering I am completely fine doing it on my own now.

88. That’s a bit worrisome to me as well.

89. Other than that, I have one more thing that I want to share.

90. It’s something that I have rarely told people because I am afraid as to how they’ll react

91. Like they won’t believe me

92. Or that I’m only “doing it for attention”

93. I have been questioning its “veracity” almost everyday

94. The only reason I’m sharing it is because I was inspired by another person who told me they did the same thing.

95. Although most of everything I’ve said has been true, the main goal was to hit 100 here

96. And I definitely will

97. Even now, I’m going to write the last thing in such a way that most people still won’t know

98. First letters of 93-82 79-90-46-97-29-27-96-91

99. Now it’s out there

100. I don’t wanna thank you for going through this entire list of 99 truths, 1 lie. Please lemme know when ya get here so I can send you a funny meme. Or a song recommendation. I dunno something cool. See ya, and hope ya have a good day. ❤︎

- Armond

[madscientistjournal]

Excerpts from the Diary of Theodore Miro, Competitor on CryptoChefs Season 2

An account by Theodore Miro, as provided by Zach Bartlett Art by @lendmeyourbones​

May 6th

I understand that TV audiences want to see a little more showmanship than I’m used to providing on the line back at Lilette, but this is ridiculous. They trucked in a six-foot tall burlap sack with “HOUSE FEED” painted on the side, and we had to spend two hours getting shots of me and some crew pouring it out onto a giant plate. They kept having to refill the bag between takes, and I had nothing to do but sit around in the freezing-ass Russian afternoon. The only wifi reception out here is a 1980-looking suitcase laptop with one of those inch-thick rubber antennas. I think all it does is let Chaz keep in touch with the producers through some kinda HAM radio satellite or whatever. No apps or anything. I’d tried making small talk with him in between takes, but I think the only thing he’s ever actually read is liner notes from Smash Mouth albums. Album, singular? I don’t even know. He sure would though.

All I want to do is go with Benny [Dr. Benjamin Havener, the show’s cryptozoology consultant. -ed.] and trap the damn hut so I can figure out if it’s even going to have some edible meat on or in it. He already let it slip that my first round is going to be against a guy who’s serving Sasquatch. The longest pork! I’m going to have to do a lot more than toss those legs in Buffalo sauce if I want to advance to the next bracket. But can I just plate it and be done? No, I’m contractually obligated to cheese it up with a bag of fake house feed and have tedious interviews with Chaz where he keeps trying to work a handful of sponsors into the conversation.

Read the rest here.

[gayrightsessay336]

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